On Jan. 7, 2022 when faced with the burning rubble of their home, the Payne family felt like they were in a fog. At the time, their reaction was to rebuild and live in their home right where it was. But almost a year of grieving has taken place since then. 

“We are still planning to rebuild, but we’re not planning to stay,” Todd Payne told Rocky Mountain PBS exactly 10 months since last speaking with us. 

[Related: Family takes first step in long process to rebuild after Marshall Fire]

Payne said it didn’t make financial sense to just sell the land, so they plan to rebuild and rent the house. But their next chapter isn’t in Boulder County. 

“It just doesn’t feel like home anymore,” said Payne. 

Payne described the time since their home burned in stages. The first couple of months he said they felt like they were like “zombies,” just trying to make it through each day. After finding support through community resources and a gofundme, the family was able to get back on their feet and find a house to rent in Arvada. 

“I didn’t really feel alive again until probably summer,” Payne said. 

That’s how long it took for crews to be able to come out and do debris removal. Even though they had started to gain some feeling and realness back to their lives, they felt like this whole time they’ve had to just react to what was happening to them. So, they wanted to do something proactive instead. 

“We just felt untethered, just floating — where is my space in the world? But we tried to turn that feeling of untethered into thinking about it as an opportunity to make different choices like a mortgage and a house full of stuff,” explained Payne. 

Now, the family is planning to move to Portugal. Citing relatively easy immigration laws in the country and a love for traveling, the Payne family wanted to take this chance for a new chapter and not have to relive traumatic moments. 

“There’s an intersection of Dillon and 96th where we had some panic about the dogs and some panic about the child that was at home. And the police were telling us to turn around and there was traffic,” Payne described. “And it was just … it was a very panicked moment. And we still drive through that intersection on the way to school everyday, and I can feel it in my body when we drive through the intersection.”

Understanding they experienced trauma, each family member has sought their own type of counseling or mental health support. As they moved through this year, they have really adopted the feeling of beginning something new and named things like their wireless network “Phoenix.”

“[We are] trying to embrace that notion of rising from the ashes and becoming something new and beautiful and more powerful,” said Payne.

While they make their plans to move abroad, construction crews plan to break ground on the new home mid-December, almost one year since the fire destroyed it. 

“One of the wisest things I’ve heard in this process is that ‘you can’t find stability in the past,’” said Payne, “So we’re trying to build a new stability.”

Amanda Horvath is the managing producer with Rocky Mountain PBS. You can reach her at amandahorvath@rmpbs.org. 

Alexis Kikoen is the senior producer at Rocky Mountain PBS. You can reach her at alexiskikoen@rmpbs.org.